now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize