Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
