I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
