It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
