I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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