Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
