I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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