You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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