Swine flu. Run for my life!
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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