somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
