I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
