OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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