when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
