Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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