You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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