this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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