filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
