i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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