i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
