The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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