Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
