I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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