i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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