accomplished twins. life is a go
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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