I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize