I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
