false alarm. still invincible.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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