I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
