Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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