I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
