its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
