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He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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