then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
