I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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