I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
