I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize