I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's rum buckets o'clock
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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