i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
