now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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