I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
