The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
