i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
