Porn is love you can see.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
