My liver just broke up with me...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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