i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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