i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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