You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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