I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize