We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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