don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
