I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
