So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
