I need help removing her.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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