I want to have your abortion
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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