I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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