I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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