The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
