I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
