Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
