I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
