Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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