When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
