Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
