This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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