I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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