i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
