Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
