you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
