don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
