When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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